What do you do when you feel like the worst mother in the whole world? Talk to other mothers! More and more I’m realising how important it is to have a good support network of other mummies and friends who are going through the same things as you, not only for baby having children of a similar age to grow and develop with but for your own piece of mind!
So here is my tragic tale, another morning of woe! Isaac was up early today so we had a bit of a play while I got ready for work, all very nice. Isaac is now growing in his independence and wants to walk all the time. I carried him to the car…we have to cross a road so obviously I don’t want him walking across it! We got to the car, me and one extremely wriggly little boy! He was squirming so much that I couldn’t get to my car keys to open the car door so I popped him standing on the floor and held his hand and with my free hand searched for my keys. While I was looking in my bag he wriggled his chubby little hand free and started to wander along the pavement…just two little steps but he was out of reach and lost his footing. I could see him falling to the floor slowly but I couldn’t get to him. How could I let him let go of my hand like that? I should have held onto him despite all of his protestations.
His little head bumped on the ground and he started to scream. I rushed over and swept him up but I don’t suppose any amount of mummy cuddles will make up for letting him fall like that. He developed, very quickly, a big, angry, purple bruise on his forehead and grazed his nose. I grabbed sleepy tiger (smelly, disgusting and the cure for all ailments) and the wails petered out. What was I going to do now? Did he hit his head hard enough to get concussed? Did he have gravel in it?
I decided it would be best to put him into his car seat and carry on to the childminders. She opened the door to a bruised little boy and a rather distressed looking mother. Between us we cleaned him up and off he toddled, slightly battered but fairly happy. I gave him a huge hug goodbye, it’s so much harder to let go of them when you feel like you’ve failed them and caused them pain. For the second morning in a row I got into the car and sobbed. I cried all the way to work…in case you were wondering that is a 45 minute drive. Arrived at work puffy eyed and blotchy and called someone I knew would understand…my mum (my husband was already at work so I’ll have to call him later and say how sorry I am and what a hideous wife and mother he chose to spend his life with). I’m sure it sounds very much like I am being melodramatic but when you hurt your little one you really do feel like the world is ending. Every scenario you play out goes crazy in your head, what if the childminder calls social services to tell them that I’m a bad mum and they agree; what then?? In reality I’m pretty sure that social services have much bigger problems to deal with than that and if this had happened to one of my mummy friends I would tell them to stop being silly and that they’re great mummies but it’s all different when it happens to you isn’t it?
Having been at work for a couple of hours now, most of that time thinking about what happened this morning, I’ve realised that I’m just one of a million mums that from time to time feels like they didn’t do enough and aren’t good enough. We really do all feel like this from time to time, its not even confined to being a mother, EVERYONE feels like this at some point in their life, some more often than others. You have to take the rough with the smooth and chalk it all up to experience, everything is a learning curve…today I learnt that I will never, ever leave the house without my car keys already in my hand ever, ever again!