Feelings of Dread

So, I’ve finally written up the delivery but what happened next…this is the story of Isaacs first couple of days.

As I said before we were only given our boy after he was well enough to come out of neo natal, about 4 hours post delivery. He took to breast-feeding pretty well and minus the whole my baby having to be carted off back to neo natal every four hours for antibiotics the first night went pretty well. Isaac and I were both tired from the traumas of the day so slept really well, in fact I had to wake him up to feed him every four hours.

The wee man at three days old

The next day he started to seem pretty hungry though and when he would latch on he would drink for five to ten minutes then get upset and annoyed, I put it down to it being his first full day in the world and it would get easier. Not so. The second night in hospital was infinitely harder than the first. Isaac was really unsettled and cried mist of the night, I was constantly trying to feed him which would go well for about ten minutes then it was back to him getting upset and annoyed. I was pretty panicked. I couldn’t sooth him and was really hoping to get home the next day.

I was over joyed when Roy arrived and was able to talk to him about the night. Don’t get me wrong, the mid wives were great but clearly over stretched so didn’t have too much time for me, especially as some poor woman was having post op complications. We decided to ask for a bottle of formula as I was convinced that he was hungry and simply not getting enough from me. We were dutifully given a bottle and told to see if we could get him to take 25ml…he stopped at 50. I was over joyed when he fell asleep with a full tummy,and devastated that it all seemed to be my fault. When they came to take away the bottle I was told that sometimes after a c-section it takes a couple of extra days for your milk to come in…which would have been great to know when he was screaming all night. Unfortunately the damage was done by then, my confidence in my ability to feed my baby was absolutely shattered, I was convinced that there was no way I could satisfy him and so did combined feeding as I just couldn’t trust myself, I was heart-broken that I had caused him to scream with hunger and could have just given him a bottle which would have solved the whole sorry affair. It was really upsetting that because formula feeding can not be recommended in hospital I was instead left to struggle and believe that I was doing something wrong.

Combined feeding went well, Isaac never suffered from nipple confusion or any other issue with doing both. It gave me the piece of mind that I now lacked with breast-feeding. It couldn’t however help with my feelings of dread. In the first couple of weeks after the event I was convinced that I was going to die, not some time in the future but soon. It felt a bit like I had cheated death and shouldn’t be there. I just had a horrible, awful feeling that I was going to be forced to leave Roy and Isaac, that I would miss him growing up I still feel this from time to time now. Maybe I should have mentioned it to the health visitor or my doctor but I thought they would probably tell me to calm down and stop being irrational.

I can vividly remember one night when Isaac was about three weeks old Roy had gone to visit one of our close friends, it was late and every time I closed my eyes I felt sick cause my brain was telling me “this is it, if you go to sleep now you are never going to wake up again” and the thought of having to leave Isaac was more than I could take. I called Roy in floods of tears, he rushed home and sat with me on the sofa, stroking my hair until I fell asleep when he helped me through o the bed room. Obviously I woke up and it pains me that I still feel that way every so often, now though I can go for months without feeling like that which is a blessing. I guess slowly I’m just going to get over it…that’s the hope anyway.

Roy has really been my rock through all of this, reassuring me, comforting me or just listening, I hope our son grows up to be as kind, funny and caring as his daddy is…what a wonderful boy that would make him.

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One thought on “Feelings of Dread

  1. Pingback: Happy lines | just another mummy blog

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